Living While Mourning

I loved my husband and tried to integrate him into every part of my life.  My sisters loved my husband like a brother.  My mother loved my husband as if he were her son.  None of us could imagine living in a world without him physically being present.  It seemed impossible. 

Bryan left the physical world December 13, 2013.  That is right, he moved on to the other side less than two months ago.  We celebrated Christmas, New Years, my birthday and went on our first road trip without him during the roughly month and a half since I last physically saw him.  (Note: my sisters, my mother and I have seen him in spirit a few times but we are so distraught that I feel it affects those experiences.)

We did our best to get through Christmas, New Years and my birthday.  If it weren’t for my Aunt Crystal, cousin Shawn and Erik we really would not have made it through.  They dropped everything in their lives to help the four of us at great inconvenience to themselves.  They gave their very best for us and allowed us to mourn while celebrating all the holidays. 

Bryan’s parents and siblings handled his loss with a grace I did not have.  They were completely beautiful in handling the loss of such a wonderful son and brother.  I could only hope that one day I could be as graceful as they were.  (Note: May we never have to show such grace because of a tragedy again.  May all of us show grace in the way we live and may we never experience this kind of pain again.)  Bryan’s cousin was the only person who could calm me down on the day I discovered my husband’s body.  She may not know it but she gave me information that I needed.  She and my sister Joy together handled getting information to all family members on both sides.

We are all trying hard to live with the way our world is now.  Dealing with me is not the easiest thing during normal circumstances and right now it is near to impossible.  I am not a social person but as part of a group I am very social.  My sisters look at going out as fun.  I see going out as my job, which is a good thing, because if it weren’t my job I would never leave the house.  The point is, because I see being out as part of my job I went out New Years instead of staying at home.  I cried all night.  The lyrics of the songs just tore me apart.  Same thing on my birthday, we went to a casino to celebrate and to hear a live band.  I cried so hard that I was embarrassed.

The road trip we took was a trip Bryan had planned for us years back but we never took.  It was strange because Joy made the arrangements without remembering that Bryan had made plans for us to go there many years ago.  While Joy was booking the resort she kept commenting that Bryan was picking the resort.  She was right, he was.  It was very healing for us to be there.  We received several treatments including Body Talk, which has really helped us.  The Body talk treatment was so powerful we will continue to have them with our local practitioner.  I felt good at the resort all day and all afternoon but by dinner (every dinner at the resort) I cried.

Faith came up with a wonderful idea today.  She basically said that maybe we need to figure out how to have fun at home and it will help us have fun out.  That isn’t what she said but I can’t put it the way she did.  I just know that she had us play Black Jack today in the breakfast room and I feel better.  I can at least attempt to write.  Faith allowed me to feel happy.  I think that she believes that if we practice living at home as if we are out that maybe one day we can go to the real Black Jack table or dance floor or spa or fancy dinner and make it through without crying.  We can live the moments we are in and not the moment we want most to change.