Living While Mourning

I loved my husband and tried to integrate him into every part of my life.  My sisters loved my husband like a brother.  My mother loved my husband as if he were her son.  None of us could imagine living in a world without him physically being present.  It seemed impossible. 

Bryan left the physical world December 13, 2013.  That is right, he moved on to the other side less than two months ago.  We celebrated Christmas, New Years, my birthday and went on our first road trip without him during the roughly month and a half since I last physically saw him.  (Note: my sisters, my mother and I have seen him in spirit a few times but we are so distraught that I feel it affects those experiences.)

We did our best to get through Christmas, New Years and my birthday.  If it weren’t for my Aunt Crystal, cousin Shawn and Erik we really would not have made it through.  They dropped everything in their lives to help the four of us at great inconvenience to themselves.  They gave their very best for us and allowed us to mourn while celebrating all the holidays. 

Bryan’s parents and siblings handled his loss with a grace I did not have.  They were completely beautiful in handling the loss of such a wonderful son and brother.  I could only hope that one day I could be as graceful as they were.  (Note: May we never have to show such grace because of a tragedy again.  May all of us show grace in the way we live and may we never experience this kind of pain again.)  Bryan’s cousin was the only person who could calm me down on the day I discovered my husband’s body.  She may not know it but she gave me information that I needed.  She and my sister Joy together handled getting information to all family members on both sides.

We are all trying hard to live with the way our world is now.  Dealing with me is not the easiest thing during normal circumstances and right now it is near to impossible.  I am not a social person but as part of a group I am very social.  My sisters look at going out as fun.  I see going out as my job, which is a good thing, because if it weren’t my job I would never leave the house.  The point is, because I see being out as part of my job I went out New Years instead of staying at home.  I cried all night.  The lyrics of the songs just tore me apart.  Same thing on my birthday, we went to a casino to celebrate and to hear a live band.  I cried so hard that I was embarrassed.

The road trip we took was a trip Bryan had planned for us years back but we never took.  It was strange because Joy made the arrangements without remembering that Bryan had made plans for us to go there many years ago.  While Joy was booking the resort she kept commenting that Bryan was picking the resort.  She was right, he was.  It was very healing for us to be there.  We received several treatments including Body Talk, which has really helped us.  The Body talk treatment was so powerful we will continue to have them with our local practitioner.  I felt good at the resort all day and all afternoon but by dinner (every dinner at the resort) I cried.

Faith came up with a wonderful idea today.  She basically said that maybe we need to figure out how to have fun at home and it will help us have fun out.  That isn’t what she said but I can’t put it the way she did.  I just know that she had us play Black Jack today in the breakfast room and I feel better.  I can at least attempt to write.  Faith allowed me to feel happy.  I think that she believes that if we practice living at home as if we are out that maybe one day we can go to the real Black Jack table or dance floor or spa or fancy dinner and make it through without crying.  We can live the moments we are in and not the moment we want most to change.

For Bryan Santo Scichilone- Praises, Compliments And Thank Yous

Dear Bryan,

I thought you knew how proud I was of you.  I hope you know how much I appreciated you.  Just in case you did not know I am telling you now.  I know I verbalized these things but I think you really didn't take it to heart

1. Thank you for marrying me.
2. Thank you for loving my sisters as your own.
3. Thank you for loving my mother as if she were your own.
4. Thank you for being our friend.
5. Thank you for being our greatest coach, cheerleader and fan.
6. Thank you for always taking care of me.
7. Thank you for always being proud of me no matter what I looked like.
8. Thank you for our many road trips together.
9. Thank you for hanging out with me even when I was doing nerd things.
10. Thank you for always proofreading my work.
11. Thank you for embracing all the odd things about me.
12. Thank you for being the greatest partner in the world.
13. You are so handsome.
14. You are so much fun to be around.
15. You always saw good intention.
16. You always looked for the best in everyone.
17. You are a man's man who is very comfortable hanging with the girls.
18. You have beautiful eyes.
19. You have a great singing voice.
20. You are the champion of the weak.
21. Your body is amazing.
22. You are very athletic.
23. You amaze me because you can do with your body what many humans cannot.
24. You are a great writer.
25. I feel as though God tailor made you for me.
26. Thank you for supporting me in my decisions.
27. Thank you for respecting me as an individual.
28. Bryan is so great at making baked goods.
29. Bryan is so good at prepping us for road trips.
30. Bryan stopped a man from killing another man in broad daylight in 2013.
31. Bryan stopped a group go kids from beating an older man to death after Thunder Over Louisville (2013).
32. Bryan is a man who stood up against violence.
33. I loved that Bryan volunteered with Adult reading programs.
34. Bryan encourages people to find their own voice as a writer.
35. Bryan sees what you need as a person and he would try to provide it.
36. Bryan is very intelligent.
37. Bryan is very intuitive.
38. Bryan makes my life worth something.
39. Bryan helps me dream bigger.
40. Bryan is the king maker and the king.

For My Husband

Bryan I am not angry with you. I am your wife. I will always be your wife. You will always be my husband. I wish I could celebrate the best of us. I wish while we were on the same plane you could have seen the best of me. If I live past this moment I promise you, you will see my best. I promise you that you will see how great my love for you is. You are the man I loved to show off. I will show you that I can be a great wife. Build our world on the next plane. Make it bright and wonderful. Be there to receive all four of us. We will be new and you must show us how much fun the next life is. I give you permission to see everything in my heart, soul and body and mind. There are no locks. See it all. Know it all. I give you permission to speak to me whenever you want. I give you permission to show yourself to me whenever you want. I give you permission to move forward whenever you want. Go into the light and make a home for us. You were always a great man now become an even greater being. Let no one hold you back. Let no thoughts hold you back. Let no regrets hold you back. I am your wife! I love you now and always!

I sent this to him this Sunday at 7:53 PM.  I post it now in hopes that if he could not feel my words then that maybe others reading it will help him feel it.  I am...I just am. (Please note "if I live past this moment" only means I know I am not guaranteed any moment past the breath I have now.) Bryan passed away on the 13th Friday of this month of December in the of year 2013. 

My love, Bryan Scichilone.

Bryan's guest book

Christmas Party Kickoff-"Sister to Sister" (Getting In The Christmas Spirit)

Aunt Crystal wears the white hat.  Mom wears the Red.
The White and Red Queen

Our Aunt (Mom's sister) always throws a party the first Saturday of December titled "Sister to Sister.”  It is her way of celebrating her relationship with her sisters and other women.  It is her official Christmas kickoff party.  She never cancels, not during a snow storm, not during an ice storm, and not during a tornado.  It has become a tradition.  This year was no different.  We had a winter storm that Friday, and yet we were all there and ready to party.

Now, many of my Aunt's friends are older than her.  In fact, some of the women are at least 20 years older, so the party is kind of a strange and wonderful mix of women.  The point of the party is to have fun and, oddly enough, everyone does.  Now, at every party there is food, but this party is a little different.  My Aunt, who makes wonderful food, keeps it simple and tasty for this party.  We all eat well, but the main course is experiencing a day together.  It is a moment in time that makes you feel good about yourself and, frankly, privileged to be a woman.  Trust me, the guys have their own party that day, but I doubt it was as lively.

My Aunt's "Sister to Sister" party allows everyone of us to be little girls and grown women at the same time.  We play games.  We sing songs (Twelve Days Of Christmas every year), and we dance. Yes, we have a grand old time.  My Aunt may not know how much everyone appreciates her party, but we do! I admit sometimes I have a little panic attack before going.  I am not always feeling very social or in the Christmas spirit, but by the end of the night I am always glad that I came.  Plus where else am I going to see an 80 year old woman drop it like its hot!!! My Aunt's friends may be older than her, but they sure can party! 

Black Friday On Thanksgiving Thursday! Is Thanksgiving Still Thanksgiving Or Just Christmas Pre-Game?

I must admit.  I don't know a lot about Black Friday.  I do participate, but if Black Friday is a war, I am a foot soldier.  I follow orders.  I do what I am told.  Faith (and Aunt Crystal if we are in the same city) makes all the decisions.  Faith scouts out all the deals.  She decides what will be bought online and which store is a must to wait in line for the doors to open.  She maps things out for us, and her strategy is pretty flawless.  Faith is our General.  If I am not celebrating Thanksgiving with the rest of the family, she calls me and has me scout out the stores where I am.  This is a very serious time for us.  Seriously fun!  So much fun that I am torn on how to spend my Thanksgiving.

Now, normally we would have Thanksgiving dinner, relax, maybe meet up with relatives (or not) and begin putting up Christmas decorations (which takes days).  At some point during the night Faith decides if the Black Friday deals are worth standing in line for and if the weather is going to be a major problem.  By midnight she decides if we should just go to bed and hit the stores late, or take a nap and get in line at 3am, or just skip sleep altogether.  If it is skip sleep altogether, it might be because we need to shop online first and then get in line at the stores, or maybe a store is open at midnight.  I don't understand how it all works; I just follow orders.

This year is different.  This year stores will be open during Thanksgiving Day or at least by midnight on Black Friday.  I keep wondering how this will change Thanksgiving.  Does this mean the end of lines and the fear of being trampled when the store doors finally open? Does this mean the end of being outside in the cold for five hours just to get that new Xbox One or PS4 (PS4 vs Xbox One)? Does it mean the end of many old Thanksgiving traditions? Does it mean the end of many Black Friday traditions? Will we shop till we drop from Thanksgiving Day until end of Small Business Saturday? Are restaurants going to be open? Is Thanksgiving still the main event in November, or is it Christmas shopping? Is Black Friday still Black Friday if the stores never close? Is a deal still a deal, or should I buy what I really want December 26th? Are we having Thanksgiving, or are we having a Christmas Pre-Game?

PS Faith just informed me that Dec.4 may be the best day to shop. Black Friday is the busiest, but what's the best day to holiday shop?

Lose 5 pounds In One Day The Worst Way Possible! Warning Dietary Supplement (Beta-Alanine) Pre-Workout Supplement Has Side Effects (Hint:Runny Side Effects)

Okay, this is a cautionary tale of taking a free sample because it's there.  Earlier this week Faith and I decided to get our butts in gear and start being productive human beings.  Our work is just piling up because we have many different projects going on at once.  We are intending to diet, but we really have not become serious about dieting yet.  In fact Faith is not on a diet at all which makes what happened to her extremely awful and funny and terrible and funny again.  This is my account.

We'd been working for a while but on different projects and in different areas of the house.  I knew that Faith was going to be stuck working on the Vela's Villa website all day, but I also knew she had other stuff on her list as well.  I too had a list of things that had to be completed, and I must admit we were both successfully ticking things off our list, but we were both afraid we might lose some steam if we kept working the way we were.  Earlier that afternoon Faith reminded me that we had these energy drink-dietary supplement samples.  She asked me if I wanted to share a packet.  I assumed she thought that if we split it we would get less caffeine.  I assumed she thought of killing two birds with one stone by getting the energy to work and maybe burning a few extra calories.  To be clear she was not on a diet.  I, on the other hand, was attempting to fast that day.  I was feeling pretty good and could not risk anything going wrong.  So, I told her I wasn't going to try it.  I had a very bad feeling.

A few hours pass.  Faith forgot to take it.  She is getting things done, and then somehow the idea must have popped into her head again.  Again she asks me if I want to split the sample.  Now let me inform you I rarely, if ever, turn down a chance to experiment with a new diet supplement.  I am usually the first in line.  If it will help you lose weight, I will take it! So, imagine Faith's surprise when I said, "No, I don't want to."  There was a little voice inside my head that said if I drink this stuff I will REGRET it.  Maybe it was the packaging that warned me.  Maybe it was because I really didn't want to ruin my fast.  Little did I know my fast was about to get destroyed because at some point Faith took what she thought was a half portion of that sample.

Our family in general has a problem with side effects, and if there is a side effect it will manifest in Faith's body with a quickness.  I was taking a break in Joy's suite because my area is being worked on and Joy's suite is right across from Faith's.  Faith calls out to me and ask me if I had any Benadryl.  She is attempting to be calm.  She is trying not to scream.  She is trying not to scratch.  She is telling me as calmly as she can that she is having a reaction to that sample (Optimum Nutrition Platinum PRE- Pre-Workout Fruit Punch) she took.  Her body movement says volumes.  She is acting like her hands, arms and head are on fire.  We look throughout the house. I always buy Benadryl but this time there is not one pill in the house.  I had taken them all up to our place in the mountains.  I give her the topical version instead in hopes that it would help her hands; it doesn't.  Later that night we would learn that Benadryl would not have worked to stop this reaction anyway.

Faith kept saying her blood was making her itch uncontrollably.  The more upset she got, the faster her blood would move and the worse the itching-tingle would become.  She had to stop working and be calm.  She began to do research on this diet supplement and if there was a way to reverse the effects (Thread On Beta Alanine Experience).  Not only did she learn she would have to ride it out, but also she learned that there was another side effect, an "awful terrible" one.  She thanked god that she was being spared this particular one, but was she really being sparred?

We decide to give up on work (because Faith really needed to stay as calm as possible) and watch some episodes of a Korean drama Full House Take 2.  I, at this point, was still fasting.  Hamburgers were being made, good ones.  I was still refusing to eat.  Then Faith got the "terrible awful" side effect.  One minute she was sitting on the couch, the next she was running to her private bathroom with fear she would not make it up the stairs.  Our mother screamed, "Just use the bathroom downstairs," but we all thank God she didn't.  That is when Bryan decided that Faith would need to have some extra treats and left the house to get her potato chips and soda.  Faith was becoming dehydrated fast.  At this point I said "F it," and we all settled in for a long night.  The hamburgers were awesome.  Watching Faith run back and forth was hilarious!  She drank a two liter of ginger ale all to herself!  It was a long hard night.  By the end it hurt for her legs to stand.  By morning she had lost 5 pounds and she had gained the knowledge that she would never ever take anything with Beta-Alanine again! I am just happy I avoided a world of pain.  Seriously, I wish I had taped it.  It would be so funny to watch now!  As for me, I didn't gain or lose weight that night.

Happy Halloween: You Are What You Eat

Halloween is a time to be creative, play hard and be a

little vulnerable. 

Our parents were married on Halloween, but Joy, Faith 

and I didn't know that until after their divorce.  

For our mom Halloween was a great time to celebrate with family and friends and to allow us, her children, to be anything we wanted.

This year we embarked on a new business 

so we had to scale back, but I couldn't stop myself from having a little scary, creepy fun.   

This idea came from my love of fantasy, science-fiction and horror.

PS In order to see the actual brain you must play the video which 

is listed last in this blog.

You are what you eat. 

The Ladies of the Round Table hope to make an evolutionary leap. 

The Aliens in the neighboring galaxy of Canis Major Dwarf are 100 times more intelligent than humans.  They are able to use telepathy and can teleport themselves to anywhere in the galaxy.  We have decided to supplement our diet with these aliens to improve our own brains’ abilities.

Alien Head With Brain

Alien Head With Korean BBQ Sauce

Alien Toes

Alien Ribs With A Kentucky-Korean BBQ
Sauce

Menu

Alien From Head to Toe

Alien’s Whole Head With Brain

With Sautéed Alien Toes

 Alien Flame Broiled Ribs  

Alien Flame Broiled Ribs

in Korean BBQ Sauce