I loved my husband and tried to integrate him into every part of my life. My sisters loved my husband like a brother. My mother loved my husband as if he were her son. None of us could imagine living in a world without him physically being present. It seemed impossible.
Bryan left the physical world December 13, 2013. That is right, he moved on to the other
side less than two months ago. We
celebrated Christmas, New Years, my birthday and went on our first road trip
without him during the roughly month and a half since I last physically saw
him. (Note: my sisters, my mother
and I have seen him in spirit a few times but we are so distraught that I feel
it affects those experiences.)
We did our best to get through Christmas, New Years and my
birthday. If it weren’t for my
Aunt Crystal, cousin Shawn and Erik we really would not have made it
through. They dropped everything
in their lives to help the four of us at great inconvenience to
themselves. They gave their very
best for us and allowed us to mourn while celebrating all the holidays.
Bryan’s parents and siblings handled his loss with a grace I did not
have. They were completely
beautiful in handling the loss of such a wonderful son and brother. I could only hope that one day I could
be as graceful as they were.
(Note: May we never have to show such grace because of a tragedy
again. May all of us show grace in
the way we live and may we never experience this kind of pain again.) Bryan’s cousin was the only person who
could calm me down on the day I discovered my husband’s body. She may not know it but she gave me
information that I needed. She and
my sister Joy together handled getting information to all family members on
both sides.
We are all trying hard to live with the way our world is now. Dealing with me is not the easiest
thing during normal circumstances and right now it is near to impossible. I am not a social person but as part of
a group I am very social. My
sisters look at going out as fun.
I see going out as my job, which is a good thing, because if it weren’t
my job I would never leave the house.
The point is, because I see being out as part of my job I went out New
Years instead of staying at home.
I cried all night. The
lyrics of the songs just tore me apart.
Same thing on my birthday, we went to a casino to celebrate and to hear a live band. I cried so hard that I
was embarrassed.
The road trip we took was a trip Bryan had planned for us years back but
we never took. It was strange
because Joy made the arrangements without remembering that Bryan had made plans
for us to go there many years ago.
While Joy was booking the resort she kept commenting that Bryan was
picking the resort. She was right,
he was. It was very healing for us
to be there. We received several
treatments including Body Talk, which has really helped us. The Body talk treatment was so powerful
we will continue to have them with our local practitioner. I felt good at the resort all day and
all afternoon but by dinner (every dinner at the resort) I cried.
Faith came up with a wonderful idea today. She basically said that maybe we need to figure out how to
have fun at home and it will help us have fun out. That isn’t what she said but I can’t put it the way she
did. I just know that she had us
play Black Jack today in the breakfast room and I feel better. I can at least attempt to write. Faith allowed me to feel happy. I think that she believes that if we
practice living at home as if we are out that maybe one day we can go to the
real Black Jack table or dance floor or spa or fancy dinner and make it through
without crying. We can live the
moments we are in and not the moment we want most to change.
